Its also been really hard with having to move a lot because then you get attached to your ward and your friends and then you have to move and start the process all over again moving is already stressful enough. Then trying to fit in a ward again and then you get asked the same questions over and over again about when are you doing to have children? Or why don't your have children? Dont you want children? Do you even know how to have a child? I have gotten asked all of these questions plus more.....Its so frustrating being asked all of these questions and having to explain myself over and over again that no of course I want children Id love to have them but we just cant......Then when you get called into Nursery I have wanted to say no to that calling as well as primary because of this because it has been so hard and challenging. I took those callings anyways even though I knew it was going to be hard and stressful. I knew that the Lord gave me this calling and I needed to do his work and will. The Lords plans aren't always are plans that's for sure but we just have to deal with it and try to get through out trials. I knew that also excepting your callings you are blessed yes we have been blessed very much so but it still wasn't easy.
I am tired of people asking questions and me having to explain it over and over again yes I know that they are trying to help but it only makes it worse. For the longest time I have felt unimportant and feeling like for some reason that the Lord didn't trust me to be a mother because so many people that I knew were either pregnant or just had a new born. Or they just had a big family to were they had already been finished with having children. but yet they were still little enough to be still growing up. I have felt like the Lord didn't really seem to care because it just looked so easy and simple for all of these woman who got pregnant or just had a new born and what not because they could get pregnant so fast and such short of time like in ancient it seemed like they were pregnant at least to me that's what it seemed like and felt like. Mothers Day is the hardest you don't even want to get out of bed and go to church all you want to do is just sleep and relax and eat chocolate and cry but I didn't do that did I want to? Yes of course I did would it make me feel better? Yes maybe so but I knew that I needed to stay strong and go to church anyways because that was the most important thing to do. I also knew and know that the Lord wants me to do that as well to be string and go to church as hard as it was and is its worth it and was worth it until one day someone came up to me and was passing on the gifts and said " This is only for mothers your not a mother" It was so rude I was like how dare they say that to me they don't even know me or what I have gone through. Wow that day really crushed me then I really felt important and not loved even though yes I had a husband who loved me and who will always love me and be there for me.
Then one day I had realized something I had realized that what I have gone through wasn't and isn't easy for its probably one of the most hardest trails here on earth at least for me anyways some people may or may not think so but it is for me. I had realized that the Savior died for me and he has gone through what I have gone through and knows how I am feeling yes I knew that but did I fully understand it how we should understand it? No obliviously not which wasn't a bad thing at all for if I did perhaps it wouldn't pf been so hard as it is or perhaps I wouldn't be who I am or in other words I wouldn't be stronger than who I am today. By realizing this doesn't fix whats happening in my life but it does fix about how I am feeling and it helps with pain and grief knowing that someone loves me and knowing that he atoned for me for my sins and my pains and afflictions and knowing also that I am not a lone as well as all of us. I am very happy for my friends/family who are pregnant and who just have new borns. Yes its been very hard but its well worth it in the end and not giving up. Now heres for the crying part which all of it is crying as well but this one especially.......\
I have been an aunt since I was in Kindergarten which has for me been amazing and wonderful and I love children very much and I most certainly love of course all of my nephews/nieces and my brothers and sisters. Being an aunt for that long and then finally get married to the love of your life who you want to spend forever with you dream of this day and life as a couple at least for me I dreamed of it ever since I was a little girl yes i had fun of course when I was little but I have always wanted to be a mother maybe I dreamed of it because I was an aunt so young in my lifetime. Some of my nephews/nieces I feel like there my brothers and sisters because of the age of being close. I have been very blessed to have a big family and I wouldn't trade it but its been hard as well because you see your brothers/sisters having children and then you still don't fit in but I have been blessed and I am very thankful to have my wonderful loving nieces/nephews. Yes I know my family loves me so much and i love them and I am happy for them to have children and to get married someday for those in my family who aren't yet but I will be happy for them when they have children as well. The reason why this one was the most crying part was because I have realized that with having such a big family I am so blessed I don't know how much more blessed I can get and I don't trade it not at all.....
I have come to realize that with having a lot of nephews/nieces yes its been hard with this trail now heres the crying part of all of it......Believe it or not with having such a big family that i have it has helped me with this trial that i am going through and who knows how long I mean we might have a miracle but I am not giving up and i ma still having the Faith that I need and still staying strong sometimes in life you just cant fix things you just have to deal with it. I am so thankful to have this family and to have new borns with being able to have such a big family I have so many new borns and children running around we don't have so much of the new borns but the 6 years that i have been married my family has gotten bigger since then. The reason why it has helped me is because when I hold that precious child of God it brings me peace yes I know that its not my child that I get to have forever but it is family to me and I get to hold he/she and I get to be there aunt forever that to me has helped so much just holding them and feeling the love I get I often wonder if that's somewhat close or almost close to the same feelings that you get of finally holding your child in your arms of being a parent. For if it is its probably a much stronger of love than that but I am so glad and thankful that I get to feel that and get to come close to it a little. I know that the Lord knew that i needed that and knew that I needed my family and I am grateful for that and that I realized this and not gone on over the years with out realizing how blessed I am and not getting angry with the Lord or family and just being grateful for that......That right there was a lot to learn and to be okay with everything.......
I also know that as we stay strong in our trials we can endure them to the end and endure it well. I know also that as we find the joy that we need in our journeys of life we can be happier and bring peace into our souls that kind of peace that we need and what the Lord wants us to have in our life's as well as in our own homes. Sean and i do have a family even though its just us two we at least have each other and i for one am not complaining over that after what happened to us in our marriage anyways that another story that many of you already know about that. I know as we help others in there trials we can also help ourselves in ours as well. As we come what may and love it we find a little bit of peace and more love in our homes just like as we would in the Temples. I know that the Lord does want me to be happy in this life for we only live it once so we should all do our best in everything that we go through and yes its okay to cry every once in a while but its even better to be happy and to see the goodness that the Lord has brought you in your life. I also know that as we are happy we our more closer to the spirit instead of having a bad attitude and not being happy. We can choose to be either happy or sad while going through our trials id prefer happy again like I said its okay to cry for crying is good but it is good to see the good in you and others as well as especially your life. Yes it isn't easy to be okay with this to not be able to get pregnant and have a child but I do know that I am not alone in this. The Lord gives us certain trials for a reason whatever the reason is I don't know but I do know that trials do make you stronger and better people then we were yesterday , today and even better tomorrow and forever. Here is a quote that helped me today about not giving up......I truly needed this today.....
